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Yesterday was my anniversary, and with that in mind, I want to share with you the best relationship tips I’ve ever received. Just like I told you last time, I’m only 6 years in, so I’m not claiming to be an expert. But there are some things that I have learned on this journey and I would love to share them with you.
And I’d love to hear from you as well! What tips have you received that have been helpful in your marriage or relationship?
As always, these are in no particular order.
Learn their love language.
If you’ve never read ‘The 5 love languages‘ by Gary Chapman you need to stop what you’re doing (well after you read this) and go get the book. The simple concept is, we all give love and like to receive it in different ways.
Some people give gifts to show their love and some people feel loved when they receive gifts. I could care less. A gift doesn’t make me feel loved at all. But you do a sink full of dirty dishes for me? Or give me an hour of your undivided attention? That’s more valuable to me than a clear-cut diamond tennis bracelet.
This is so important to understand in relationships because you want your partner to feel loved. At the beginning, I tried to do things for Greg that I would have loved to receive in return. But doing a sink full of dirty dishes does nothing for him. HA!
It’s so important to take the time to understand how your partner operates, and what you can do to make them feel loved. If you’re going to spend time trying to make them feel loved, you might as well make sure that you aren’t doing things in vain.
Assume positive intent
So this was a relationship tip to myself. I’ve learned it the hard way, but man it’s made a difference. This is what I mean.
If Greg says he bought me low-fat yogurt, I shouldn’t assume that he’s telling me I need to go on a diet. It could be that a) he didn’t know it was low-fat b) low-fat was the only kind that had my favorite flavor or c) he thought that was the kind I always got.
See, in the beginning, I used to always assume that he was thinking the same way that I was. But he wasn’t. And I didn’t even bother asking the reason for his actions, because in my mind, I already knew. But I never did. Like not even once.
And furthermore, if this is the person who is supposed to love you no matter want, the person who is going to support you, and wants only the best for you, why would you assume that they are trying to hurt you? Or make you feel bad?
The point is, assume positive intent. And if you can’t find any, at lest ask them and give them a chance to explain. You might be pleasantly surprised. I was.
Realize you’re on the same team
You’ve probably heard people say, it should be us vs. the problem instead of you vs. me.
I think that’s really deep.
Usually, when conflict arises, I’m not thinking in terms of us having a problem that we both need to tackle. Instead, I’m thinking, you did this to me, and at that point, I’ve already separated our team.
In theory, each spouse wants the same things. Typically that’s a successful and happy marriage. Well, if we both want the same things, we’re on the same team. And that means when something is keeping us from our end goal (being that successful happy couple) it becomes an obstacle that we as a team need to either move out of the way or get over.
This whole mindset shift really puts things into perspective. Doesn’t it?
Make time for just the two of you
I got this from a wise one….thanks mommy. This is really hard to do when you have busy work schedules. Or young kids. Or if you’re in the middle of a pandemic and don’t really have anywhere to go.
What I’ve learned is, the emphasis shouldn’t be placed on where you’re going or what you’re doing. No, instead just focus on it being the two of you. This year for us, that’s looked like alot of movie nights, and game nights. Once we even did an at home escape room, that was a lot of fun. The point is, even though we’ve had to get creative, we’ve still tried to make a little time to hang out, just the two of us.
While family time is so important, I think there’s just something about being able to enjoy each other without being responsible for anyone else. And without having to make sure that anyone else is taken care of. You can just be a woman, on a date with a super fine man. There’s something really special about that.
Don’t keep score
This is hard for me and to be honest, I haven’t mastered it yet. It’s so easy to keep track of the things that I think I’m doing, and then wonder why he’s not doing them as well.
But something that I’ve noticed is, I only keep score, when I feel like I’m ahead. For example, if I feel like I’ve done dishes most days this week, I’m really quick to point out that it’s his turn. But if he’s been doing dishes all week…well, I’m not so quick to notice that.
Keeping score takes too much work. It also makes you competitors instead of teammates. If you feel like you’re pulling more than your fair share, then why not talk about it? Have a conversation where you address it, and give yourselves a chance to work it out.
Otherwise you’re going to be carrying around a never ending score-card for the rest of your lives.
If you have to do life together, why not make it fun?
I was listening to a marriage podcast once, and the lady was saying, “I didn’t get married to be in a never ending business meeting with my husband.”
How true is that?
Don’t let your relationship only feel like a business meeting. Of course there is business to handle..bills and carpool, I’m looking at you. But don’t let that be all of it.
Have fun! Have random conversations. If you don’t know what to talk about, these will get you started. Go on adventures together, travel, tell jokes, come up with some inside jokes.
Find ways to make life fun, and constantly be on the lookout for reasons to laugh. Lighten the mood.
Make life fun.
Well, that’s all for this week. If you’ve received any great relationship advice, I’d love to hear it below! I’m always looking for new tips!
Thanks for stopping by. And if you see something that you like, please share it!
Make life sweet, and learn all you can.
