Is it time to stop apologizing?

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Do you know anyone who is constantly apologizing? They say sorry for things that aren’t even their fault? Are you that person? I once apologized to someone because it was raining outside. So it’s me. I’m that person. I mean it could be worse, I don’t think I’m on the end of the spectrum, but I am definitely on it. But how do you stop apologizing?

I just read an amazing book called Have you Seen Luis Velez, by Catherine Ryan Hyde. I’m sure you’ll hear me mention it more later, but the point is you should read it. One quote from the book really stood out to me. A 92-year old woman was talking to a teenager who constantly apologizes to everyone, about everything. She said, “Try not to be so sorry, my young friend. Most of what you regret is not of your own making.”

Here’s the thing, I don’t think the apology itself is the problem. I think it’s nice to be a big enough person and apologize when they’ve done something wrong. It seems more like the problem is the need to bear the burden (apologize) for things you can’t control. The feeling that you have the responsibility to make everyones’ day better, and if you don’t, not only do you feel like you’ve failed, you also feel compelled to apologize for it. What a burden to carry.

So how do you get that burden off of your shoulders? As my 3 year old would say, “I have NOO idea.” But below, I’ve listed some steps I plan to take to help me head in the right direction.

1. Realize that wanting people to have a great day is very different than feeling compelled to make that happen for them

It’s an amazing thing to exude positive vibes and want the same for those around you. We SHOULD want others to have amazing days, and we should wish the best for them. What we shouldn’t do is take on the responsibility to make that happen for them. That’s not to say we can’t contribute to brightening up others’ days. That’s imperative. But I think the line comes when we encounter someone who isn’t having the best day. We can assist where we can, and attempt to brighten, but we shouldn’t carry the burden or responsibility of changing that person’s day. That is out of our control, and the burden can be too much to bear.

2. Journal what you are feeling

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just don’t know WHAT I’m feeling. And that makes me feel overwhelmed, confused and well….sorry. HA! But I’m finding that writing things down is really helping. I told you before about this planner that I was gifted for Christmas this year, but it really seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. Not only can I plan things, but each week I also get blank pages that just allow me to write out what’s going on or what I’m feeling. I don’t know if the writing it down part is the magic, I think it’s more about taking that time to do a little self check in with my self, and just acknowledge how I’m feeling.

3.  Apologize to yourself.

This one sounds weird. You’re probably like, we just said we’re going to stop apologizing, why are we adding yet another apology to the list? Well here’s the thing, I personally need to apologize to myself for always deciding that I’m doing something wrong. I need to apologize for not giving myself grace, because every time I decide to unnecessarily apologize, in essence, I’m telling myself I messed something else up. I tell myself this reflexively. And I would never treat anyone else that way. So I need to apologize for treating myself in a way that I wouldn’t find appropriate for others. So self, I’m sorry. 🙂

4. Take a moment to think before reflexively apologizing

This point is about differentiating between reflex apologies and sincere ones. If you take time to think about it and realize you’ve done something wrong, or maybe you’ve offended someone, then by all means make it right. But if you take that time to reflect, and realize that you aren’t the one who made it rain outside today, then don’t apologize for it. Maybe say something like, “I really would have preferred sun today too.”

Well that’s all for this time! Like I said, I don’t have all of the answers, and I know some people don’t have this issue at all. I’d LOVE to get some insight from those people! But for those of us who do, these are some tricks that I’m hoping will help. Do you have any tricks that you use to stop apologizing?

Make life sweet, and learn all you can!